this is a cold war, do you know what you're fighting for?
trying to find my peace; I was made to believe there's something wrong with me
Recent Entries 
16th-Mar-2013 07:21 pm - Update the third!
[♪] we'll keep on dancing 'til she comes
All right hallo hallo

First off, please forgive me for not being as prompt with my replies as I should be. Since the sertraline incident of 2013 (as I am now going to call it), my wiring has been off. I'm very, very weary and having trouble keeping awake/alert. I also haven't been hungry since it happened which... is weird. Yeah. Dunno what's going on there. But the advice and support has been sorely needed, especially yesterday. Yesterday was rough.

Fuck sertraline, basically.

So I went to my doctor to explain everything that happened. He's passing me off to a therapist now because he's literally afraid to prescribe me anything else in case he accidentally kills me. Which is fair, but frustrating. It's going to take a while for me to get to a specialist. But hopefully the ball will get rolling soon.

I still feel like I'm recovering. Sleeping is difficult in the wake of what happened. Gradually getting better, though.

I'll try to reply to some of y'all tomorrow if I feel up to it. I'm sorry for the delay.

Later, gaters.

Originally posted at DW. Comment here or there. DW comments: comment count unavailable
15th-Mar-2013 10:19 am - TW medical shit gone wrong
[♪] we'll keep on dancing 'til she comes
Dear diary,

Last night I took my anti-depressants for the first time and felt SUPER HAPPY AMAZING until about 3AM when I almost died and had to go to the emergency room.

I won't go into the details but the moral of the story is that I have a severe reaction to sertraline.

xoxoxo
Lucy

Originally posted at DW. Comment here or there. DW comments: comment count unavailable
14th-Mar-2013 12:53 am - Hey people, want an update
[♪] we'll keep on dancing 'til she comes
I have no idea who's even out there anymore? Hello? Is this microphone live?

Anyway.

I am still hellaciously depressed and not handling things well. BUT I did go to a doctor. He's got some medication in mind for me that should apparently help me. I had to get my bloodwork done and cleared first, and the okay came through tonight. I'll be able to pick up the medication tomorrow.

I know that shit won't change overnight, but regardless I'm very hopeful. I've been steadily deteriorating for a while now and something needs to change for me.

Part of the problem is...

So, I don't believe in the afterlife. When someone dies, that's it, that's the end of it. For me, personally, that means when I die... the universe basically ends. Nothing matters. I'm going to be gone and unable to witness it, so what does it matter?

Which leads to what do I matter and i can already feel my heart starting to race thinking about this.

You know that line in Serenity? "Please god make me a stone"? My manta is "please make me a robot" or "let me be immortal."

Death terrifies me, it makes me shake and cry and I don't understand how people seem to function.

So if anyone has any tips on that or knows how I can go about becoming a robot... lemme know.

Until them, I'm just gonna have to hope this medication I'm going to go on helps.

Originally posted at DW. Comment here or there. DW comments: comment count unavailable
[♪] we'll keep on dancing 'til she comes
I guess I should?

Communication lately feels like throwing a message in a bottle out to sea: ultimately useless as even if you get a response it's going to be too late.

.... yeah this is going to be an ecstatically happy post, can't you tell

But that's sort of where I stand right now. I'm still dealing with depression. I'm still in fucking Florida. I still feel like I can't quite keep my head above water. Especially with today, when I learned that Mum's job screwed her so we can't get health insurance until October, which is very, very far away when you're having depressive episodes every night.

The worst of it is that things become impossible to handle late at night (hence this shit getting written at 2:30AM), when everyone is asleep and thus I have to deal with it alone and as quietly as possible.

Writing is very hard, lately. Nothing I do feels good enough to even show my betas, and given I put an dangerous amount of my self-worth into being able to write, it turns into an ugly cycle.

The thing that... really stings the most though is rather understandable, the thing is that I've finally broken down and flat-out told my family that this is happening, that it has been for months, and that I need help

and three weeks later, it's all completely forgotten. We don't talk about it. They make jokes about my difficulties spending time with them. They ask me what my problem is.

I feel like I'm out of bottles. That this is just going to be status quo for the rest of my life.

So that's it. That's me, dealing. Or not, as it were.

Originally posted at DW. Comment here or there. DW comments: comment count unavailable
26th-Dec-2012 09:22 pm(no subject)
[♪] we'll keep on dancing 'til she comes
Yesterday I learned that I can build a gaming rig from components in 2.5 hours with no troubleshooting needed.

Today I learned that I cannot fucking install Windows 7 to save my fucking life what the fuck is this shit just fucking INSTALL YOU ASSHOLE.

Originally posted at DW. Comment here or there. DW comments: comment count unavailable
30th-Nov-2012 05:55 pm - So about Cold Days
[♪] we'll keep on dancing 'til she comes
I ended up doing a liveblog of the entire book on Tumblr. This is the tag for it, with the posts listed in chronological order. I have extremely mixed feelings on the book. In a way, it was my favorite in the series and in a way I want to throw it into a bonfire.

I'm still trying to sort out my opinion on it, but for now, figured I'd share the link.

Originally posted at DW. Comment here or there. DW comments: comment count unavailable
20th-Nov-2012 10:53 pm(no subject)
[♪] we'll keep on dancing 'til she comes
I have read the Cold Days spoilers.

....


Whelp.

Originally posted at DW. Comment here or there. DW comments: comment count unavailable
21st-Sep-2012 11:33 am(no subject)
[♪] we'll keep on dancing 'til she comes
I'm not around on the internet lately. If anyone needs me, I still check my email a few times a day. luciazephyr at gmail.

Originally posted at DW. Comment here or there. DW comments: comment count unavailable
17th-Sep-2012 09:04 pm(no subject)
[♪] we'll keep on dancing 'til she comes
today something happened. something bad enough that I don't feel welcome or safe here anymore. I feel completely trapped. When I was done crying and needed to just be *away* for a while, all I could do was go outside and walk. When I got back, she grabbed my arm and pulled me back in, like bringing me back was some kind of magnanimous thing.

Everyone's acting like nothing happened. But I'm not okay. I don't think I'm going to be okay again.

Originally posted at DW. Comment here or there. DW comments: comment count unavailable
15th-Sep-2012 05:32 pm - AMA time
[3PS] eli's coming, [Misc] Ian's an IRL lurker
My muse is fighting me tooth and claw over this fic I'm supposed to work on for Kink Bingo, so I'm hoping to jumpstart my writing with this.

Ask me anything about my writing or fannishness. Ask me about what happens in a month's time after X fic, or what my strongest headcanon is for Y fandom. Give me a title of something I've never written and I'll tell you the story behind it. Ask me for a Top Five list or an impromptu fanmix or what tea I associate Z with.

Semi-relatedly, I may share the MoC plot outline soon, it's an idea I am toying with to definitively kill that story and move on from it.

Hit me

Originally posted at DW. Comment over there. DW comments: comment count unavailable
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